


i need you to know, you can fall into me

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-02-26
Updated: 2007-04-03
Packaged: 2018-09-06 10:07:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8746018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Wincest, first and foremost. Kind of AU take on things. Sam's still at Stanford, Dean never came for his help finding John, and Sam has a new man in his life. Unless a surprise visit screws things up. Summary sucks, read it for yourself! And review.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

  
Author's notes: Okay, if you've ever heard this song you know where it goes. BUT I'm doing a kind of twist on teh song. Hope you like! Oh, who am I kidding? I hope you LOVE it! :)  


* * *

_You say you've turned it off_

_Hid your heart up on a shelf_

_Scared of what it might cost_

_To take it off for someone else_

_'Cause lovin him you lost_

_Too much of yourself_

_Baby can't you see that he's not me_

_\- Emerson Drive: “Fall Into Me”_

 

Sam knew things couldn’t go on like this. He couldn’t keep having these talks with Dane. They were driving him insane and making him feel like the scum of the Earth. He hadn’t promised Dane anything, he’d told him from the very beginning that his heart was bruised and broken, and there was little chance it would ever be any other way.

 

An interrogation was not what he needed.

 

“Nothing is wrong, I swear.”

 

Dane crossed his arms over his chest and stared at Sam expectantly, blue eyes patient and concerned. “Something’s eating at you, Sam.”

 

He’d invited Dane over to watch a movie, spend some time together. He’d been acting weird for the past few days and he knew it. But he couldn’t help it. Coming out of their Lit class together, Dane’s hand in his, he’d seen Dean. It was only for a second, but he knew it was Dean. Could feel it in the air, could practically smell and taste him on his tongue, all over again.

 

Just the sight of him, for that split second, had been enough to hit him with sensory overload and throw him right back into the past.

 

Back into days with Dean’s mouth worshipping his, his hands tangled in his hair as he elicited moan after whimper from Sam. Sneaking out in the middle of the night to just be able to breathe air that _didn’t_ smell like sex and Dean. Because Dad was there, and there was no doing anything with him around.

 

He’d felt guilt and despair as he realized his hand was still in Dane’s. He wasn’t sure who he should apologize to at first, Dean, his brother who he’d been in love with his entire life. Or Dane, the one person who had stuck by him, _knowing_ Sam would probably never love him in return.

 

In the end, his love and loyalty to Dean had won out, like always, and he’d shaken free of Dane with a hurried excuse and chased after his always on the run brother. It didn’t matter that Dean had ended things. It didn’t matter that he’d told Sam there would never be anything between them again. That they’d been a mistake.

 

It didn’t matter that Dean had broken him, time after time. He’d always gone back. And he always would.

 

He hadn’t been able to find Dean, and he wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. Either way Dean had been the only thing he could think about since that day. He kept wondering if something had happened, if he’d been hurt or had needed something.

 

Sam knew he didn’t have any reason to feel guilty. Dean had broken things off with him, had practically dragged him kicking and screaming to Stanford and left him there. Might as well as told him to say there, like he was some kind of damn dog.

 

If and who he dated was no concern of Dean’s. That was of course the wishful thinking defense. Dean had more than likely taken off because he’d realized he’d made a mistake, had seen Sam with someone and was afraid he’d become unnaturally attached to him all over again. Or hadn’t wanted to talk to about whatever he’d come there for in front of his friends.

 

Maybe he’d be back.

 

That was a thought that had him chewing his bottom lip anxiously and jumping at every sound, no matter how well trained he was.

 

If that wasn’t enough, his uncharacteristic silence and lack of focus, only confirmed what Dane knew. Something was up and he’d asked, each time if he was okay. What was bothering him and if he could help.

 

Dane didn’t know much about Dean, except that he’d left him with broken hopes and dreams, and a battered heart. All he knew was that Sam was acting strange, or stranger than usual, and he was worried. He didn’t have any idea that it was all over Dean.

 

“I’m fine, really. Now did you come over to be with me or harass me?”

 

“Tell me about him,” Dane said, sinking back against the couch.

 

“What?” Sam laughed. “Tell you about who?”

 

“Sam,” he scolded. “You already told me he broke your heart, you might as well tell me about him.”

 

Sam swallowed hard. Apparently he’d been wrong. Maybe Dane wasn’t as oblivious to Sam’s different moods as he thought.

 

“Dane, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”

 

“Then tell me why it didn’t work.”

 

That explanation was the worst part of the entire, sordid thing. If he was going to tell Dane anything, it wouldn’t be about why things ended. Dane was patient with him and he wasn’t expecting anything from Sam, but if Sam told him the reason his heart was shattered in a thousand pieces, was because he’d been, he was, in love with his older brother…that was the end of that.

 

Maybe it would be for the best, to scare him away like that.

 

“It didn’t work, because I can’t make things work. I can’t give my heart up, it takes too much. I don’t think that this is going to work, I‘m only going to hurt you.” _Like he hurt me_ , he admitted pathetically to himself. He’d been trying to break up with Dane since they’d started this, tentative at best, relationship. But he wouldn’t let him. He only told him that it didn’t matter. That he wanted to try to make things work, that if nothing else Sam could have a little fun. And lately, a new reason had been added to the list.

 

Dane wanted to try because he loved him.

 

“Sam, I’m not him.”

 

Sam nodded. “I know that.” God, did he know that. Dane wasn’t Dean, as pathetically similar as their names were. He wasn’t anything like him. That’s what had first attracted him to Dane.

 

He wasn’t as tall as Dean, or as good looking. Wasn’t as smart, or funny, or wild as Dean. He _wasn’t_ Dean. He had almost bleach blonde hair and blue eyes, not blondish brown hair and green flecked eyes. He was only 5’11, not 6’1, and Sam really had to bend down for him. He was thin, but not athletic or built like his brother. He had a nice smile, but not a great one.

 

It wasn’t hard to keep the two separated. But it _was_ hard to stop comparing the two. He did it with everyone he met; constantly with Dane. And the differences didn’t end there.

 

Dane was anything but cold and cut off. He was never distant with Sam, and Sam never had to chase after his affections. He gave it more than willingly.

 

When he was with Dean it felt like he was being shut down constantly.

 

Holding, touching, kissing…he couldn’t do any of those things unless Dean started it. And certainly not if Dad was in the same state. It didn’t matter that he’d be gone for hours at a time, sometimes a day or two, as long as he was in the same city or state, things were on hold.

 

Dean never told Sam that he loved him, but Dane said it every chance he got. Dean didn’t do chick flick moments, and Dane practically lived for them. Dean didn’t just hold him, not even after they’d humped each other like two, well, horny teenagers, while Dane held him and expected nothing.

 

Got nothing.

 

It was a complete role reversal.

 

Sam was the one holding Dane at arm’s length, instead of being the one _held_ at arm’s length.

 

“Then what’s the problem?” Dane pushed. “Everything was going great, then all of a sudden you hit the brakes.”

 

They’d been together for almost three months and they hadn’t done anything other than kiss. There wasn’t much for him to put the brakes on, but Sam knew what Dane meant because he was right.

 

“I saw him…a few days ago.”

 

Dane’s face emptied and he nodded slowly. “You did?”

 

“It wasn’t like that,” he protested, suddenly understanding where Dane’s mind had gone. Just because he didn’t love Dane, didn’t mean that he could ever cheat on him either. Sam had some morals left. “I think he saw us and left. I didn’t even talk to him. It just reminded me of things, that’s all. It was a shock for me.”

 

“I bet it was,” Dane sympathized, his fingers entwining with Sam’s. "It's just going to take some time, Sam. Eventually things will get easier."

 

He shrugged. "I guess." He got that Dane was trying to be helpful, but he wasn't. He was wrong, Sam didn't think he'd ever get over Dean. And he didn't want to talk about it either way.

 

"Why don't we just watch that movie now, huh?" Dane asked quietly, pressing a soft kiss to Sam's forehead.

 

"Yeah, okay."

 

That was another thing Dean wouldn’t be, sympathetic. He’d be jealous. There wouldn't be any soothing or soft kisses to the forehead.They’d fight, fuck, and Sam would whimper through his promises.

 

But this wasn’t Dean, this was Dane. He needed to remember that if he was ever going to move on with his life.

 

If Sam thought he was going to move on with his life anytime soon, he was dead wrong. Seeing Sam with Dane obviously hadn’t been enough to run Dean off for long, because here he was, lounging on Sam’s couch and having the nerve to look all fucked out.


	2. Chapter 2

_That my arms are wide open_

_And will always be_

_Right here waiting, staying strong_

_Come and fall into me_

 

If Sam thought he was going to move on with his life anytime soon, he was dead wrong. Seeing Sam with Dane obviously hadn’t been enough to run Dean off for long, because here he was, lounging on Sam’s couch and having the nerve to look all fucked out.

 

“Dean,” he said, dropping his bag next to the desk. “What are you doing here?”

 

“What? Can’t a big brother stop in to see his little brother?”

 

“First of all, you didn’t stop in, you _broke_ in. And second, yeah they can, but _you_ don’t.”

 

Dean shrugged. “Things change. Don’t they?”

 

Sam winced inwardly at the double meaning in his words. If he had any doubt about Dean’s making this hard on him, it was long gone. Whether Dean had a right to do or say anything, he wasn’t going to do it. He always had.

 

“Sometimes not enough though,” he shot back quietly. “But I’m sure that’s not why you came here. So why don’t we talk about that instead.”

 

Years hadn’t healed that wound enough for them to be picking at it, and twenty more years probably wouldn’t do the job either. So it was best if they just left things the way they were and he got to the point before one, or both, wound up hurting. Or more than likely bleeding.

 

xXx

 

_And they don’t fuck their little brothers either_ , Dean added silently. Out loud he said, “No, it isn’t. But you’re not going to like what I did come for, anymore than you like that idea.”

 

Sam snorted. “Yeah? Well, I doubt that.” He crossed his arms over his chest and stared indifferently at Dean.

 

He leaned back against the couch and stared right back. Just because Sam wasn’t saying anything about the rapidly widening gap between them, didn’t mean that he wasn’t screaming at him all the same. His face was wiped clean of his emotions, but his eyes were shattered. Sam never had been good at keeping his emotions from Dean.

 

Keeping his own face blank he took in the man his younger brother had become. He was smart, strong, independent…and now he was in love.

 

With someone else.

 

He tried to ignore the gut wrenching ache that steadily spread throughout his body. His heart skipped painfully in his chest and his throat tightened. His brother was in love with someone that wasn’t him. He had moved on. Something he’d sworn he’d never do. Something Dean had really thought he’d never do. Because there was no way he ever would.

 

He could still see the tortured look on Sam’s face, tears streaming from his chocolate brown eyes, over his soft, full mouth and down his trembling chin. He was so much stronger than Dean ever could have hoped to be had the situation been reversed. There would have been no holding back for him. Dean would have yelled and cried and fought with Sam until there was no breath left in him. Forget rational. All he would be able to see was his brother walking out on him and all he would have felt was hopeless despair. He was too selfish to do otherwise.

 

**His heart thundered in his chest. He didn’t want to do this. He didn’t want to push Sam away, but he had to. It was better for him if he did. This way he wouldn’t feel like he had to stick around when what he really wanted was Stanford. This way Dad wouldn’t be breathing down Sam’s neck anymore, knowing that something was going on between them even if he hadn’t walked in on anything. And more than that, selfishly, he was afraid of losing Sam in the end anyway. Afraid that he would see he could do better than Dean, that what was going on between them was too sick even for him, and worse, that he had never really loved Dean. That this whole thing had been based on the need to please an older brother who’d always taken care of him.**

**Sam grinned up at him as he walked into the motel room, his body instantly relaxing. He smiled back weakly, reminding himself that he had to do this. He couldn’t be selfish and keep Sam here.**

**He wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist as he came closer, burying his face against his stomach. “I missed you,” he said nosing his shirt up.**

**“I missed you too,” Dean whispered, his fingers threading through Sam’s hair. God, how much he missed him. How much he _would_ miss him. **

**“Dad’s gone,” Sam informed him, thinking it would make him as happy as Sam was. And it would normally, but not when it meant he was going to have to spend the weekend with his angry and hurt younger brother. If Sam hurt, he hurt. It was inevitable. At least with Dad around he could pretend, could have the luxury of Sam’s sullen face instead of tears and yelling.**

**He trailed kisses up Dean’s stomach and then slowly back down, taking time to explore every inch of skin his mouth and tongue could find. Dean shivered and tilted his head back, letting himself have this one last thing before he lost Sam forever. Sam’s teeth scraped gently over his stomach before biting lightly. He felt him grin and move lower, his hands reaching up to pop the button of his jeans. Dean’s hands flew down to cover Sam’s. That was his cue to ruin everything he’d ever wanted.**

**Reluctantly he pulled Sam’s hands away and let them drop. He tried to step back, to distance himself as much as he could, but he couldn’t make his feet move. Not one step.**

**Surely worried by now, Sam frowned and pulled back. “Dean, are you all right?”**

**Dean shook his head and wrapped his arms around Sam, pulling him tight against him. He laughed softly and wound his arms around Dean’s waist, his own burying into the crook of his neck. Sam’s hands slid up his back reassuringly as he placed soft kisses to the back of his neck.**

**“What’s wrong, baby?”**

**He squeezed his eyes shut at Sam’s words. Dean had always been the one to call Sam baby, especially when he was upset. Now Sam was returning the favor and it stung like hell to know what he had to do.**

**“I don’t want to hurt you,” he whispered against Sam’s hair. “But I can’t do this anymore.”**

**Sam stiffened beneath him, his voice was muffled by Dean’s shoulder but the fear was so thick he could taste it. “Can’t do what anymore?”**

**He clung to him for a minute longer, memorizing the way Sam’s body fit so perfectly with his, or how it felt to have his hands running soothingly up and down his back whenever he was hurting, like now. He would never know that again. Would never know how sweet Sam’s lips could taste, or how soft his skin was beneath his calloused hands. He would never nuzzle closer to him in the middle of the night breathing in his scent, or feel the soft rumble of laughter from his chest when he kissed Sam behind his ear. He would never tangle his hands in Sam’s always too long hair or feel the frantic thrusts of his hips, the flushed look of pleasure and the arch of his throat as…**

**Dean shook himself mentally. If he kept up with his thoughts he’d have Sam on his back and begging for more. He couldn’t fuck Sam and then break things off with him. Even Dean wasn’t that heartless. Sam would never forgive him then. Hell, he wasn’t sure Sam could forgive him after _this_. But he had to do it because it was better for them both. It was safer. And the one thing he should be able to keep safe was Sam’s heart. **

**Pulling back slowly he kept his eyes downcast. If he looked at Sam he would break; how could he not? “Us, Sam. I can’t do _us_ anymore.”**

**“Dean, what are you talking about?” he asked, shaking his head in confusion. “We already talked this out, we can do this. Remember? Nothing can change the way we feel.”**

**As hard as he was trying to keep calm, Sam’s voice was growing steadily more pleading. His face was panicked and confused, puppy dog eyes fighting to stay hidden. He wasn’t going to cheat his way out of this one and Dean knew it. It was too important for him that Dean want this too.**

**“I don’t love you like that, Sammy. I wanted to,” he broke off and shook his head. How the hell was he supposed to lie to Sam about his feelings for him when everything inside him was screaming that he loved him more than air?**

**“Why would you…Dean…” Sam ran a hand through his hair and stared at his feet. It didn’t matter, Dean could still see the tears leaking from his eyes, could still see the trembling in his jaw. He took a shaky breath and then lifted his head. Staring pointedly at Dean he clenched his jaw to steady his nerves.**

**Everything inside Dean broke then; his heart, his soul. His will to live was practically gone. The only thing that could keep him going now was knowing that he had to keep Sam’s body in one piece, since he couldn’t say the same for his heart.**

**“Do you love me?” Sam asked softly, not bothering to hide his feelings now. There was so much pain on his face, so much brokenness, as he waited for Dean to mend his heart. To tell him that this was some lame joke he would have to kiss away until Sam’s will to be angry broke. But he couldn’t, and he wouldn’t do that. He’d lie to Sam to protect them both.**

**“No,” he breathed. And that was it. Sam’s face crashed. He stood up calmly and walked out the motel room door. Dean didn’t see him for three days, not until Dad had made it back from his latest job. He’d left for Stanford the day after that, not bothering to fight with Dad’s declaration of ‘if you leave, don’t come back’. He simply nodded and left. Accepting the fact that neither his father nor his brother wanted him.**

 

The look in Sam’s eyes reminded him of that exact moment. The moment Dean told him that he didn’t love his baby brother, that the past two months had meant nothing to him. The exact moment Dean had shattered both their hearts.

 

xXx

 

Sam shifted uncomfortably, mistaking Dean’s silence for torture. What was he here for? He hadn’t seen Dean in two years and suddenly he was here to, to what? Stare at him until he surrendered what was left of his dignity? Because if that was all it was gonna take to get him out of his apartment, he’d gladly surrender what little was left. Especially if it got him out before Dane got there. The last thing he wanted was Dean knowing his name. He’d surely get a good laugh out of that one. Or maybe just further disgust that his younger brother was so in love with him he had to find the one guy that was the complete opposite of him, but with a name that was much too close to the same.

 

“I’ve kind of got plans,” he said, coughing and running a hand through his hair. “Can we wrap this up?”

 

“Plans?” Dean asked, raising a brow curiously.

 

“Plans. As in something arranged beforehand. The opposite of dropping in.”

 

“Didn’t need the definition college boy,” he replied rolling his eyes.

 

“Good, then you won’t need the definition for goodbye either,” he snapped. He was quickly losing patience with whatever game it was his brother wanted to play. In case he’d forgotten he’d broken his heart into a thousand pieces only two years ago. He didn’t seriously think he was over that, did he? Or that he would be up for whatever it was that he wanted? Even Dean wasn’t that delusional.

 

Dean feigned hurt, a hand coming to rest over his heart dramatically. “I just got here, Sammy.”

 

Sam swallowed his anger and took a few deep breaths. This was exactly what Dean wanted from him. He wanted him to lose control and start the fight for him, then he couldn’t be held responsible, because hey, he’d just stopped by to see his baby brother after all.

 

Fuck if that was the truth.

 

“Look, did you come here to argue? Because like I said I have plans and really I just don’t want to fight with you.”

 

“I didn’t realize we were fighting. I thought we were talking.”

 

He snorted. “What. Do. You. Want?”

 

Dean dropped the act and nodded once. “It’s been two years,” he said quietly.

 

“Yeah, I got that. You didn’t come here to tell me how long it’s been did you? Because if that’s it, you can leave.”

 

xXx

 

Dean swallowed hard and bit the inside of his mouth to keep from snapping at Sam. He had every right to be upset still. He’d hurt him in the worse possible way. Dean hadn’t come back expecting him to welcome him with open arms. But he hadn’t expected to find another man in Sam’s life either. Really he didn’t know what he’d been expecting, he just knew this wasn’t it.

 

“No, that’s not why I came actually.” He dropped his gaze, blinking back the sting of oncoming tears. Crying was not going to help. It hadn’t then and it wouldn’t now. It never did.

 

“So?” Sam asked impatiently.

 

“We need to talk.” He swallowed again, feeling the building lump in his throat. This was the first time he’d talked about this with anyone and for that person to be Sam only made it that much harder. “I-”

 

“I’ve gotta go,” Sam interrupted. “Plans, ya know?”

 

He snorted quietly. Yeah, plans. He remembered. Clearing his throat he set his face to one of distant curiosity. “What kind of plans?” Just like they were two friends getting reacquainted. Not ex-lovers, not ex-brothers, but just two people that at one point in time had been close and had run into each other by pure chance. Not tragedy.

 

A blush colored his younger brother’s cheeks and his eyes darted to his left. “A friend’s coming over.”

 

A friend? Judging by the look on his face this friend was much more than a friend.

 

“Yeah?” he asked, shoving his hands in his pockets. “School thing?”

 

“Kind of,” Sam answered cryptically.

 

Dean had to fight to keep his eyes from rolling. Sam really needed to work on his lying skills, take a page out of Dean’s book once in a while. It irritated him that Sam couldn’t be upfront with him, or maybe it was just the fact that Sam had moved on that bothered him so much.

 

“That’s cool,” he said, nodding. “So, have you told him you love him yet?”

 

He bit down on his tongue hard, copper filling his senses. That was so incredibly stupid. But it had just come out, like some kind of sick joke or taunt. He was angry and hurting, he realized. As understanding as he was trying to be, he couldn’t stop the way he was feeling too.

 

xXx

 

Sam’s eyes shot back to Dean. He had to be hearing things. They were talking about school, a friend coming over…not love. Dean laughed at the shocked expression on his face and gave him his patented smirk.

 

“You haven’t been able to lie your entire life, Sam. Some things never change.”

 

“Some people never change,” he muttered bitterly.

 

If his brother heard him, he didn’t show it. Instead he asked, “Well, have you?”

 

Had he what? Said I love you? That wasn’t any of Dean’s business. He’d kicked him to the curb and that meant he gave up all rights to Sam. All right, so that wasn’t completely fair. Dean wasn’t so cold as to leave Sam thinking he meant nothing to him. Just that he meant a little less to him than Sam hoped for, enough to put a stop to what he’d foolishly started. Still, he’d lied to him and broke his heart. That wasn’t something you got over easily, if ever.

 

“Why do you even care?” he sighed. He wasn’t going to move past his own feelings, he might as well work what he could out now and get Dean out before Dane showed up. Because that would only cause more chaos in his already fucked world.

 

“You’re my little brother, I’m supposed to look after you,” Dean answered simply.

 

“Thanks, but I can take care of myself.”

 

He stood up and stretched lazily, the hem of his t-shirt riding up to expose the soft tan skin Sam remembered so well. His jeans rode a little lower on his hips than he remembered, but everything else about his brother was the same. Full inviting mouth, teasing moss green eyes, taut stomach, brain melting voice, and Sam‘s heart in the palm of his hand. Walking, talking, fucking perfection.

 

“I know you can,” Dean yawned. “But you can’t blame me for trying.” He grinned and shook his head. “All grown up now, Sammy boy. I still can’t believe it. It feels like just yesterday you were clinging to my leg.”

 

“What did you come here for?” Sam demanded. He wasn’t in the mood for reminiscing about times he’d never have back. He couldn’t look at Dean the same way anymore. Not after he’d sworn up and down that he loved Sam more than anything and then two months later told him that he’d lied. Memories were not what he needed.


	3. Chapter 3

  
Author's notes: Hey guys! Sorry this update didn't come a little sooner but I've had a busy day and my hand and shoulder are so cramped I can't even believe I managed to type anything lol. From the moment I woke up till about 6 this afternoon I was apparently finding my calling according to my uncle lol. Demolition is a blast but hell on the body sometimes. Anywho, enjoy. Leave love/hate. It'll help me through the pain and the writer's block. Much love to all of you who review constantly! I appreciate you more than you could possibly know! Love you guys! Enjoy!  


* * *

Right. Back to business. This wasn’t a social call, there couldn’t be any of those so long as they were apart. And even if Dean could bring himself to ruin Sam that way, to put his heart out there like that, there was no way Sam would ever take him back. Not that he even deserved it.

 

Forcing his face to remain emotionless he gave a sharp nod of his head. “I came here to talk to you about-”

 

“Hey, Sam!” A voice called, jerking both their gazes to the hallway Sam had come through. “Your door was open, is everything o-” he stopped suddenly, smiling uncertainly at Dean. “Hi.”

 

Dean gave him a brief nod, keeping his mouth firmly shut until he knew all the details. Sammy’s friend was there for their play date. Impeccable timing. Hewatched him curiously for a moment, noting how different they were. There wasn’t a single thing about him that resembled Dean. And he hadn’t realized until then that he’d been hoping for a look a like. Someone that Sam was passing all his feelings for Dean off on. A pathetic substitute for the real thing.

 

Apparently that wasn’t the case. He was blonde and blue eyed, short and scrawny. Completely untouched by the things that had haunted their lives. His smile was sweet and friendly, the kind of smile Dean was always suspicious of. And the thing Dean hated about him most was the fact that he loved his brother; it was obvious in the way that he looked at Sam. It made him sick.

 

The boy, because Dean refused to acknowledge him as a man when he wasn’t anywhere near Sam’s worth, stood in the hallway entrance behind Sam, more than likely waiting for an explanation or at the very least an introduction. Dean was kind of waiting for one himself.

 

xXx

 

“Uh, Dean this is…” Crap, who was this?! Sam tried not to panic but the absurdity of not being able to remember his own boyfriend’s name, especially when it was a hell of a lot like Dean’s, made him more than a little on edge.

 

“Dane,” he said, stepping forward and holding out his hand. He shot Sam a funny look and rolled his eyes. Obviously he thought this was funny.

 

A quick glance at Dean told him that he thought it was funny too. Apparently he was the only one that found this situation anything but funny. Forcing himself to focus, he laughed and shook his head. He just had to play it cool and then Dean would be gone. He could get his life back together and remind himself why he’d left in the first place.

 

“Right, Dane. Dean this is Dane, Dane this is Dean.”

 

Dean shook Dane’s hand and gave him a friendly smile. If it was one thing Dean could do, it was act. They’d spent their lives being who they weren’t, doing their best to charm information out of anyone and everyone they came across. His overwhelmingly normal behavior, or maybe in this case abnormal behavior, with Dane proved that once more Dean was Dad’s perfect little soldier. He wasn’t rusty in the least.

 

“It’s nice to meet you.” The words rolled off his brother’s tongue easily. His charm sucking Dane right in. Oh, how shocking that was.

 

xXx

 

_Oh, is it ever nice to meet you_ , Dean thought sardonically.

 

Funny how Sammy forgot to mention his new _friend’s_ name. Dane. That was awfully close to his own name. Given it wasn’t nearly as good as his was, especially out of Sammy’s mouth, but it was close all the same.

 

What was even funnier to him was the fact that Sam had actually _forgotten_ his boyfriend’s name. Hell, it was downright hilarious. His normally focused, so much it was almost freakish, younger brother had completely blanked on his boyfriend’s name.

 

That was going to help Dean sleep tonight without question. It felt good to know that he could still shake Sam after all this time. That he could still rile up his mature and together younger brother.

 

“You too,” Dane answered sincerely. “So, am I interrupting something? Because I could just-”

 

“Oh, no,” Dean protested, shaking himself from his amusement. “I was just stopping in to say hi to my baby brother. Actually, I was on my way out.”

 

He watched Sam carefully, wondering if he’d noticed his sudden change of tone. He hadn’t meant for it to come out like that, but thinking of Sam and saying baby, especially when all he wanted to do was kick Dane’s ass and exert his claim over Sam, had taken that right out of his hands.

 

xXx

 

The emphasis on the word baby didn’t slip Sam’s attention. Dean’s voice dipped, suddenly softer and inviting. The voice he took on when Dad was gone and they had the motel to themselves. The voice that sent shivers down Sam’s spine and made him weak in the knees. Like now.

 

Dane didn’t notice a thing. “You’re Sam’s brother? Wow, it’s really nice to meet you.”

 

“It’s really nice to meet you too,“ Dean replied smoothly. _Could he be laying it on any thicker_ , Sam scoffed silently

 

Dean’s gaze shifted from Dane to his silent figure. He knew his mouth was drawn into a tight thin line, his face empty of anything. A look he’d learned to perfect after things had soured between them. But he didn’t care. It was better than showing them both how he really felt.

 

Grinning, Dean stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Sam; pressing their bodies together fully and knocking the breath right out of Sam. He stared down incredulously at his older brother and willed his arms to move, to push him away. But he couldn’t. All he could do was stare and tremble, cursing himself and Dean.

 

None of this seemed to faze Dean though. In fact he squeezed Sam a little tighter and let his lips brush against the side of his neck, in a show of dominance. Dean was in control and that was how it always would be.

 

He felt his eyes slip close of their own volition. It’d been two years since he’d been held by Dean, since he’d felt his lips touch any part of his skin. For two years the most action he’d gotten out of Dean was in dreams. And they usually ended with him waking in a cold sweat, his heart feeling as if it had been ripped from his chest. Kind of like it did now.

 

He bit down on his lower lip and dropped his head to Dean’s shoulder, his body suddenly listening where his mind, his heart would not. Slowly he found his arms wrapping loosely around Dean, shaking as they slid beneath his shirt to rest on his lower back. Dean did react then, a slow tremble shook his body and then like that it was gone.

 

“It’s good to see you again, little brother,” Dean murmured.

 

Sam knew he was only doing this to hurt him, to make a scene in front of Dane. Had he really expected anything less from him? He loved to embarrass Sam, always had. Hurt him along the way, why not? It wasn’t like he could do anymore damage than he’d already done. Of course, he wouldn’t be the one to tell Dean that.

 

xXx

 

As he pulled away from Sam, all smiles and false confidence, he cursed himself for being so weak. He’d put an end to things for a reason, he couldn’t undo all he’d worked for just because he felt the need to mark his territory. Sam wasn’t his anymore. He’d forfeited all rights to him when he told him he didn’t love him.

 

It served him right that Sam had moved on and that even now Sam wouldn’t let him get away with his games. He’d played right along, touching him, holding him, after his initial shock of course. But then he’d jumped right in. Ready and willing to prove to Dean that he could take whatever he had and still keep living his life.

 

That was more than Dean could say. His actions had been purely impulse. Lucky for him he’d learn to act or charm his way out of almost any situation.

 

“We’ll talk later,” he said, staring pointedly at Sam. He waited for the barely perceptible nod before backing towards the door. “Again, it was nice meeting you, Dane. Sorry I couldn’t stay and chat.”

 

He heard a soft snort from Sam but he didn’t look his way. He knew what he would find on Sam’s face- relief. Relief that Dean was leaving before he could say anything else that might screw up his perfect life or his relationship with his prefect little boyfriend.

 

Who was he kidding anyway? At barely 5’11 it was a serious trip down for Sam just to kiss the guy. He was almost scrawny, with his bleach blonde hair and blue eyes. He was cute, but he wasn’t much to look at. Not that Sam had ever been all that shallow. It wasn’t Dean’s looks that had drawn him in, he was sure. Maybe if they were strangers and had met in a bar he wouldn’t feel the same way. But he was his brother and brothers didn’t fall in love over something as trivial as looks.

 

Still, the kid wasn’t right for Sam. Looks aside, his personality was bland from what Dean could see. It was obvious that something was going on between Dean and Sam and it was even more obvious that Dean was marking his territory with Sam, and the guy hadn’t done or said a thing. He’d accepted Dean’s role as the older brother and hadn’t made one move to claim Sam.

 

Dean knew all of Sam’s dirty little secrets, and one of them was the fact that he loved being possessed in a sense. He loved it when Dean got jealous and did every stupid male thing he could think of to make it clear to anyone looking at his younger brother that he was his and his alone. He especially loved it when Dean growled and declared him _his Sammy_.

 

The fact that the guy hadn’t done anything other than smile at him, like he was doing now, and say how good it was to meet him only irritated him more. No guy, or girl, would ever be good enough for Sam. Least of all some scrawny kid who didn’t even bother to try and let others know that Sam was his to protect and love.

 

He gave one last forced smile and nod, anger and pain clouding his features as the door slammed shut behind him.

 

xXx

 

Dane turned back to Sam. “Gorgeous,” he said suddenly.

 

“Uh, yeah,” Sam said hesitantly, caught off guard by Dane‘s sudden topic. Where the hell was he going with this?

 

“So that’s your older brother?” he asked, setting his own bag down next to Sam’s.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Are you okay, Sam? Normally I can get you to string together _at least_ three words.”

 

Well, normally he didn’t get a surprise visit from his older brother either. So today was just jam packed with surprises wasn’t it?

 

“Sorry, I was just a little surprised to see him. That’s all. I haven’t seen him in two years.”

 

“Two years? That’s a long time to go without family.”

 

Sam bit his tongue. If only Dane knew how his family really was. He wouldn’t expect much from him then.

 

“We don’t get along,” Sam lied, wanting to end this conversation as quickly as possible and get back to their original plan for the afternoon. A movie, studying, wasting what free time they had away on the other. Or in Sam’s case, avoiding Dean until the last possible second.

 

“You seemed to get along just fine,” he argued.

 

“Usually, we don’t.” _Please, please, please let it drop_ , he begged silently. Conversation equals bad.

 

“What about that hug? Brothers that don’t get along don’t hug like that. If you-”

 

“Dane,” Sam snapped. “Will you please get to your point instead of playing word games? He wore down everyone of my nerves.”

 

Dane nodded. “Fair enough. He’s not your brother, is he?”

 

“Yes, he is my brother. I told you that.” More than once in fact, he was almost positive.

 

“Sam, I saw the way he looked at you. The way you looked at him. He’s not your brother. He’s the one that broke your heart, isn’t he?”

 

Sighing, Sam dropped his head. This was going to be a long, long day. He should have sent Dean on his way the second he’d found him in his apartment. Or turned and walked out himself. He was sure he could have caught Dane coming out of his class before he made it here. And even if he hadn’t, Dane wouldn’t have come in on his own and Dean wouldn’t have let him in.

 

Hopefully. Then again, it might have been less tense if they had met without Sam in the same room. It would have been a lot easier on Sam’s nerves at least.

 

“Dane, he is my brother,” Sam tried to explain.

 

“If you’re just going to keep lying to me, then I’m going to leave. I’m not blind. You’re in love with him.”

 

How the hell had he gotten that in five minute time span? He’d just walked in the room! One hug could not be the tell all for love. Even a hug like the one they’d shared.

 

“I’m not lying to you!”

 

“Really?” he said, crossing his arms over his chest. “Then you’re not in love with him?”

 

“I didn’t say that,” Sam said hesitantly. Dammit. Why was this conversation not working out in his favor? He’d just said it was his older brother, why would he even bother asking a question like that? And why the hell did he always have to be such a boy scout?

 

Dane sighed. “Are you in love with him or not?”

 

“Dane-”

 

“I won’t be angry, Sam. I just need to know. Are you in love with him?”

 

Sam hesitated for a second. If he admitted this now, there was no going back. Things would be over between them and Sam would be left with nothing but his shattered heart, his distant older brother, that may or may not be around long enough for him to blink and the faint memory of someone who wanted to give him everything he’d ever wanted.

 

From Dean.

 

“Yes,” he admitted reluctantly. “I’m in love with him. But it doesn’t matter. We’ve been over for a long time.”

 

“Then why did you tell me he was your brother? I could have handled the truth. I knew your heart belonged to someone else.”

 

“It did belong to him, but he doesn’t want it. He made that clear years ago and he’s made it clear now. I’m not completely hopeless. I know nothing is ever going to happen between us, that’s why I didn’t bring it up.”

 

“So you lied to me instead?”

 

“I never lied to you, Dane. I’ve been honest with you from the beginning. I told you I didn’t know if I could ever love anyone again. I told you how fucked I was.”

 

“Sam, you told me he was your brother.”

 

“He _is_ my brother.”

 

Dane snorted in disbelief. “You’re telling me that you’re in love with your _brother_? Sam, if you’re trying to scare me off so you can go back to him guilt free, just say it. I’m not going to blame you. I love you, Sam, but if he’s what you need…I’m not going to keep you from him.”

 

Hearing Dane say that he loved him too much to keep him here when he didn’t want to be, to let him go back to Dean with no guilt, was just another reminder of what he wasn’t.

 

He wasn’t Dean.

 

Because Dean would never admit that. He would be angry with Sam. They’d be fighting, maybe bleeding by now, and yelling. He’d tell Sam to go, that he didn’t want him there anymore. To go and be with Dane if that was who he loved. But he would never put himself out there like that. Would never admit that he loved Sam. Never that he loved him too much.

 

It made him feel sick and guilty, made him wish he could forget Dean and love Dane back the way he loved him.

 

But wishes don’t always come true. His brother was living proof of that.

 

“I’ve never lied to you before, and I’m not going to start now. Dean _is_ my brother and I’ve been in love with him since I was thirteen,“ Sam sighed. “I know it’s not right, and I know it’s probably sick and twisted to you, but I _love_ him. I can’t help how I feel about him, anymore than I can help the fact that he doesn‘t love me.”

 

“Or that you don’t love me,” Dane added.

 

“I’m sorry, Dane. I told you I was fucked up when we met.”

 

“Yeah, I know Sam. I’m not…I’m not mad.”

 

How could he be so cool about this? He’d just admitted to Dane that he couldn’t love him because he was in love with his _older brother_. He’d admitted to having an incestuous relationship, to wanting it to continue. And the only thing Dane had to say was that he wasn’t mad?

 

“You should be. I shouldn’t have let things get this far in the first place. I knew how you felt about me…I guess, I just kept hoping that things would change. That I would get over him.”

 

“But you can’t,” he finished.

 

“No,” Sam said wearily. “I can’t. Seeing Dean reminded me there was no getting over him. There never has been. No matter how many times he pushed me away, I kept coming back.” He shook his head. “I’m an _idiot_ , but he could fucking take away everything or everyone I care about, and I’d never be able to stay away from him. I’m so twisted up in him, I can’t see straight.” _God, how pathetic_ , he thought dejectedly.

 

It was no wonder Dean had pushed him away. He was clingy and weak. He couldn’t imagine how that must have been for Dean. He’d just assumed that things were fine. His brother couldn’t open his mouth to do anything other than be a smartass or a jackass half the time.

 

Sam gave a heavy sigh and sank down on the couch, forcing the image of his brother splayed out on the couch looking well fucked as far from his mind as possible. He hated this. He hated what Dean was doing to him without even trying. And he hated himself for letting it get this bad.

 

Dane sat down beside him and handed him a videotape wordlessly. He glanced over at the blonde, frowning. Maybe he did have more in common with Dean then he’d originally thought. He couldn’t seem to form a complete sentence either.

 

“Put it in,” Dane said, exasperatedly rolling his eyes. “So much for Stanford smarts, huh?”

 

“Are you…are you serious?” Sam gaped. After all of that and he wanted to sit down and watch a movie? They hadn’t resolved anything! The conversation had been almost exactly like their first, except this one came with details and a visual that had left his apartment grinning.

 

“Some things you just can’t resolve, Sam. You have to sit back and let things go. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.”

 

He shook his head incredulously. How could he be so calm about something like this? Dane was waiting for Sam to fix his life and start a new one with him. The door was shut but not locked between them. Dean had dead bolted, chained, and set an alarm on their door. There was no hope for them ever. If Sam could realize that, if he knew that, and it was so hard for him to just sit back, he couldn’t imagine what it would be like in Dane’s position.

 

Sam leaned over and kissed Dane lightly on the mouth. He may never have the same kind of feelings Dane had for him, but he was continuously amazed at his laid back personality and ridiculously understanding ways.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said truthfully. “For everything.”

 

Dane shrugged and gave him a light shove. “Movie, Sam. I knew you came with strings attached when this started.”

 

“Then why bother? I mean, this isn’t what I would call a healthy relationship, or even a good time.”

 

“It can be a good time, in fact it usually is.”

 

“Even so, why bother?” Sam insisted. “I’ve got too many strings attached. There are plenty of single guys that would love to be in my position.”

 

“I could say the same thing,” Dane countered, grinning.

 

He snorted. He was sure there were guys lining up around the block to have their hearts stepped on and their libidos put on hold. Rolling his eyes as Dane elbowed him in the side, he stood up and crossed the room to the T.V. It seemed absurd to sit there and watch a movie with Dane now after everything that had happened today. Then again, he supposed it wasn’t nearly as absurd as hoping your older brother would change his mind and fall in love with you.


End file.
